


Eat Ass Shower Fast

by Adamarks



Series: robots [3]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Blowjobs, Frotting, Kinda, Locker Room Sex, M/M, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Smut, ass eating, cyborg baz, hellboy au, just fuckin porn, simon is basically hellboy without the rock arm, simon loses his shirt amen.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:55:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26960266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adamarks/pseuds/Adamarks
Summary: What’s a robot need a dick for, anyway?As far as dicks go, it’s a nice one too. Makes sense, I suppose. Why would you get shitty extra hardware?-Baz is a cyborg; Simon is a demon. They have sex in the locker room.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: robots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1831045
Comments: 22
Kudos: 75





	Eat Ass Shower Fast

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theflyingpeach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyingpeach/gifts).



> This was inspired by when Bri and I watched Hellboy together. I have nothing to say for myself idek.

What’s a robot need a dick for, anyway?

As far as dicks go, it’s a nice one too. Makes sense, I suppose. Why would you get shitty extra hardware? 

Is it creepy? To be watching him like this? I mean, it’s just the men’s locker room; he’s the one deciding to stand around with his penis out. I wouldn’t care if he decided to peep mine. 

I go to pull the towel off my head and it gets stuck on my horns. I yank, and it rips almost completely in half. 

“Fuck,” I mumble. That’s coming out of my paycheck.

“Having trouble, Snow?” 

I look over to see chrome-dick watching me as he brushes his hair out. He only has half a head of it; the rest of his skull is metal. 

He’s really a cyborg, I suppose, not a robot, but most of him is metal. The only fleshy bits on him are his jaw, half his scalp, his belly, and his ass. _Practically_ a robot at this point. 

His prick is still totally on show, too. It feels like he’s rubbing it in my face. _Okay, Baz, I get it. You beat me in training and you have nice junk._

“Piss off,” I grumble. 

He lifts an eyebrow (perfectly sculpted, both of them framing the hot pink lights that serve as eyes) but doesn’t say anything. He tosses his hair behind his shoulder and turns back to his locker. I get a good look at his one asscheek from this angle. 

Him having a nice ass on top of it seems like a cruel joke from god. That’s not even manmade. He’s just lucky. 

Whatever. Asshat. 

John tries to whip my butt with a towel on the way out. I smack it away with my tail. 

“Don’t forget to lock up when you’re done with your boyfriend, Snow,” he calls as he runs out the door. 

I make to go beat his ass before I remember I’m _also_ naked as the day I was born. Fuck. 

I look back at Baz. He’s side-eyeing me. Fuck.

I grunt and go back to my locker. 

Fuck. 

I glance at Baz. He’s taken a rag out to shine the metal on his arms. (Not that they were even dirty.) 

_Boyfriend. As if._

I scoff and spray some deodorant on. _That’s not even something that…_

I look at Baz. The cloth has moved down to his thighs. 

_I don’t even— He’s not—_

I snort and slam my deodorant back into my locker. This is stupid. Fucking John.

I pull out my shirt. Somehow, I end up looking at him again. This time he’s bent over, wiping at his shins. His hair hangs down and sweeps gently against the floor. My gaze travels along the rounded curve of his back, over his ass, down his thighs, to his hands. 

I mean, just because Baz is objectively really fucking beautiful doesn’t mean I…

“Take a picture, Snow. It’ll last longer.”

I jump. Baz is looking at me as he slowly stands up. _Fuck. Why’s he so observant?_ His chest is slightly turned towards me. He’s got these, like, pseudo nipples. (He’s a fucking cyborg. Why does he have so many sex-bits?) 

I gulp, and my eyes drop back down to his robot penis. (And balls. Big balls. _Again_ , _why_ does he need—) 

“Can you feel stuff with that?”

“Excuse me?”

_Why the fuck did I ask him that?_

“Just, like, um.” I scratch at the back of my head; my claws dig in a little too hard. I nod to his dick. “Since it’s metal. Can you— feel. Stuff.”

His mouth opens. He’s got nice lips. I try to put my shirt on to distract myself, but my horns rip a huge hole in it. _Fuck me._

“Yes, I’m perfectly capable of engaging in sex, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

Oh. Sex. 

I didn’t think I was asking that. 

Was I? 

_Was I?_

“Like… a _lot_ of sex?” 

What. 

He looks down, so I do too. Oh shit. When did I start to chub? All this sex talk is fucking me over. (Something that Baz’s cock can apparently do.)

He takes a step towards me. Then another. My throat feels dry. 

He leans into my phone booth of space. I gulp. 

“Like an energizer bunny.” 

…

Huh.

That’s a lot.

Like… a lot a lot. 

Now my mouth is dry too. 

“Need a charge?” There’s a beep; I look down. Two rows of lights flash on his dick. Like a landing strip. 

I look back up at his face. 

“Yeah.” 

I sink to my knees. 

I’m breathing through my mouth, inches from his prick. My breath fogs on the metal. I hear a little mechanical click as his dick twitches. 

I move my head towards the crease of his hip, watching his face. There’s a little gap between his lips. His tongue pokes out to licks the bottom one. 

I lay an open-mouthed kiss to his hip. My hands find his legs and slowly slide up as I kiss my way around. My fingers smooth over the hard curve of his calves; dip into the backs of his knees where wires peek out; up the outsides of his thighs, I lick the inside of one, for good measure; and finally land on his ass. I grab handfuls and give it a squeeze. 

His hands grab my horns. 

That’s hot. 

I lick my lips and draw back to press them against his head. His dick is still sorta soft— or, not soft, because it’s metal. 

Limp? I suck the head into my mouth and swirl my tongue around it. _Can metal be limp?_

I take more of him into my mouth, and it clicks as it hardens (or whatever the fuck it’s doing). I thought it’d taste like pennies, but it just tastes like a spoon. I’m a little disappointed. 

The head hits the back of my throat and it beeps at me. How does this guy quietly whack it? I’m amazed the whole floor doesn’t hear him. (I’m not on his floor. My room is in the basement. I wonder if I would’ve been able to hear it. Probably.)

I pull back slowly. It’s cold in my mouth, like I’m sucking off a metal dildo. I wonder why it’s metal and not silicone or something. Seems kinda dangerous. _Did Baz get to pick metal over plastic?_

I grab the base of it and lick at the tip. _Does this thing get rusty?_ Does he have to shine his wiener? 

Also, I know he said he can fuck like a rabbit, but this thing has a couple sharp spots along it. I can’t imagine this wouldn’t tear up a regular person’s vagina. I don’t have a vagina; he wouldn’t have to worry about it. Maybe it’d tear up my butt, though. 

… _Does_ this thing get rusty? I don’t want to get ass tetanus. 

I pull off with a pop and he grunts at me. 

“Does this get rusty?” 

He glares at me, and my dick twitches. A hand detaches from my horn, and two fingers press into my mouth to open my jaw. 

“No,” Baz says, before replacing his fingers with his dick. The metal is still hot from being in me; it makes me moan. 

His hand goes back to my horn, and he starts thrusting into my mouth. He hits the back of my throat and I growl. I feel my tail slashing around. It hits the floor with a _thwack!_

I move my hand until my fingers drop between his cheeks. His asshole brushes against my fingers as his hips move. I press the tip of my middle finger against it, and I hear a hiss. (I’m not sure if it’s from his mouth, or if it’s steam coming from elsewhere.)

I circle around, before pressing my fingertip just barely inside. 

His hips jut forward rougher than before; I gag on it. He sets a new pace, ramming against the back of my throat and pushing back against my dry-ass finger. (Ha. Ass-finger.)

I smack his ass with my free hand, then hoist one of his thighs up. I hear his foot hit the lockers. 

“Have to make everything difficult,” he pants. 

I peer up and see him staring down at me. The fleshy part of his face is flushed. Small lights twinkle across his chest. His hair hangs down, framing the picture perfectly. 

_Oh._

_Wow._

He leans his weight onto the leg on the floor and roughly grabs the back of my hair, angling my head where he wants it. I wish him being such a pushy asshole didn’t make the warm feeling in my chest grow. 

I pull my finger out of his crack, and he _whines_ at me. (Hot.) As he pushes his hips back to chase my hand I pull off his dick. Then I scoop up his other thigh. 

“Snow—“ 

I scoot him up the wall and bend his legs until I can bury my face in his ass. 

He moans and squirms as I circle my tongue around his asshole. I trail up his perineum, then pull back to spit on him. 

This part of him tastes how I expected, at least. 

I tongue at him and press in a little when the muscle flutters. I bite and kiss his cheeks. Baz’s hand leaves my horn as I slurp at his butthole. 

_The hell is so important that he—_

I look up to find him jerking himself off. We make eye contact around his dick. I watch as his tongue pokes out to touch his lips. His eyes are almost too bright to look at. 

_I wanna…_

I drop his legs and move to stand up. 

“Jesus,” he yells as he lands. “Up or down, Snow. Pick one,” he bitches. He grabs the collar of my t-shirt and yanks me towards him. 

Our chests crash together. His eyes are practically blinding at this proximity. His lips are… _real_ close. 

“Sorry,” I mumble, right before kissing him. I don’t know why I’m apologizing; it’s not like he didn’t land on his feet. 

His arms wrap around me and crush us close. The wet metal of his dick rubs against mine, and I make a noise into his mouth. My own prick had completely slipped my mind until just now. 

One of my hands fists into his hair, tugs. The other one smooths over the metal of his scalp; my claws dig in a little. He beeps at me and bites my lip. 

His stomach is warm against mine. Cold hands come down to cup my ass, and Baz grinds our hips together. He bites and kisses down my neck. Then, he grabs what’s left of my shirt and rips it off from behind. 

_Now I have to buy a new one._

He pushes a step away from the locker, then hefts me up until I wrap my legs around him. My tail winds itself around his forearm. 

_At least I’m getting laid._

I work my hand between us as he kisses me. Baz’s dick makes a little spark when I touch it, like a really bad static shock. _Cute._

I lean back and spit on my hand a couple times before grabbing our dicks and pressing them together. Baz’s is lit up; it beeps when I start stroking. It’s kinda hypnotic. 

Baz kisses across my chest, biting my collarbone and the junction at my armpit. He noses at my arm until I have to detract my hand from his hair and lift it up for him. He rubs his face on my armpit. It pulls on my pit hair in a weirdly nice way. He licks a long stripe up, until he’s trailing along my tricep. I… didn’t know I was so into pit stuff. _Okay then._

I quicken my pace on our dicks and find his mouth with my own. My hand grips the back of his neck. 

God, this feels good. I mean, the getting off sure, whatever, but, like. _Baz._ I didn’t know I wanted to do this with him so bad. (Apparently John knew.) (Fuck John.) I’m so glad this is happening. That I get to…

Oh, shit.

I pull back. “Baz,” I pant. 

He hums, nipping at my jaw. He’s thrusting into my hand. 

“Baz, do you—“ 

He bites the juncture of my neck and shoulder, hard. I gasp. “What do you need, love?” I feel the vibrations against my throat. 

“Uh.” I gulp. “Do you wanna go see a movie after this?” 

He stops thrusting and looks at me. (I don’t stop my hand, though.) His eyebrow goes up. 

“You’re already in my pants, Snow.” 

“Oh. Well, yeah. But I wanna be in other stuff.” 

The other eyebrow goes up. 

“Date you, I mean.” 

He scoffs. “You don’t want to date me—“ 

“Yeah, I do.” I pause. “Please? We’ve already got this bit.” 

He snorts and rolls his eyes. I give our dicks a squeeze to butter him up. 

“Fine.” 

I start grinning. “Cool.” 

“You’re impossible,” he says. And then he leans in and kisses me, gently. 

Everything seems to slow down after that. Whatever rush we were in earlier disappears. Baz holds me and kisses me as I jerk us off. 

Eventually, his forehead is resting against mine. I can tell he’s getting close. He’s rocking us together, panting hard. His dick is beeping frantically, occasionally shocking me. (Being fireproof has its benefits. It's just ticklish.) The bottom of his face is so flushed. The lights on his chest are blinking like crazy. 

“You’re beautiful,” I mumble. 

His head snaps up to me. Something melts. 

I kiss him. 

He jerks, and holds me tighter, and grunts into my mouth. Sparks start raining out of his dick. Heat hits my skin. It’s like a firecracker between us. 

I keep going until he leans back against the locker and beeps twice at me. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss across his cheek, pulling his earlobe between my teeth. 

After a moment, Baz shifts so he’s holding my ass with one arm. The other one snakes between us to grab my cock. I move my tail to wrap around his thigh.

“Your turn now,” he mumbles into my chest as he starts jerking me. I bury my face into his hair and hold on tight. 

“Come on, Snow,” he says. “Come for me.” 

He tilts his head up to look at me, his hand goes impossibly fast on my dick. (Benefits of being a machine, I reckon.) 

“Come for me, Simon.” 

My hips jerk. I feel myself seize up, and then I’m spilling onto his hand. It’s a lot less showy than his whole scene, but Baz milks me for all I’m worth; until I go soft in his hand. 

After a quiet minute, my head resting on his, I say, “So, what movie do you wanna watch?”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> everyone pls thank bri for the energizer bunny line.


End file.
